Rewind 6 or so years...
After our youngest child Cooper was born Michael expressed a desire for that to be our last baby. I had a deep desire for more children but yielded to the decision of my husband. We took no permanent precautions but his mind was made up. Shortly after Cooper turned one Michael had a change of heart (which I had prayed for). We immediately began trying to have another baby. After some time of it not happening we decided we wouldn't try but we wouldn't prevent and we would leave this area of our lives completely up to God. Deep down I knew no matter what my desire for another child was strong. Over the years there was lots of disappointment, sadness and prayer as we longed to add to our family but it wasn't happening. Then in August of 2012 we suffered our first miscarriage. I was sad but considering I didn't know I was pregnant until it was happening the impact it made on either of us was small. I believe we suffered another miscarriage in the Spring of 2014. I was too afraid to confirm I was ever pregnant and again let my body take care of things naturally on it's own.
During these times we never stopped praying, never stopping believing God would add to our family but at some point early this year we became content with things not matter how God decided to write the story. That is where I found myself in January. Too afraid to take the test and it be negative but completely ok with the out come. January's test was negative and I just went on with life as usual. I hadn't felt good since Christmas and since I wasn't pregnant I started to get frustrated that I couldn't feel better. The first Thursday in February Michael was off work for his usual off day. I didn't feel well and was experiencing lots of virago symptoms. Michael smugly recommended I take a pregnancy test. I hadn't even considered retesting! I quickly made a post in my Mommy FB Group "what were your earliest signs of pregnancy?" The comments matched several things I had been experiencing. I quickly realized if I was pregnant it was by far the sickest I'd ever been while pregnant! LOL Friday morning I went as usual to clean a house for one of my long time friends and clients. While there I had to have Jesse help my with a couple of the chores because the chemicals were making me sick. She then suggested I listen to Michael and make sure to pick up a test on the way home. So off to Wal-Mart we went. When I came home I was exhausted and terrified to test. Early that afternoon I took this test and this is what I saw...
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| Friday, February 6, 2015 |
I was speechless. I couldn't even manage words to call Michael. I just snapped this picture and sent it to him via text message with not words or explanations. I wish I had saved our dialogue because it was rather funny. Michael "what is that mean?" Me "you're going to be a daddy again." We were elated to say the least. I have never in my life been so overcome with joy. (OK I have but you know!) We had longed for this for so long and it was finally a reality. Those two dark pink lines meant so much to us. Since my cycles are rather irregular we decided a test that estimated weeks was a good way to go. Just as I suspected it estimated we were 5-6 weeks. This is around the same time we found out we were expecting with our boys so I was confident we were "safe". We told the children that same day and I told all my Mommy friends in my group so they could be praying for us. After announcing we were pregnant with Cooper and being met with such negative response we dreaded telling our family. We knew so many people (not just family) would react in this same negative way this time. We chewed on our news and celebrated as a family for several days before telling our family about the sweet baby were carrying.
We announced we were expecting on February 9 with this lovely photo and the hastags #macbaby2015 #worththewait.
We were roughly 6 weeks pregnant and I was sick as dog but we wanted everyone to celebrate with us. I spent the next several weeks awaiting my first "real" doctors appointment. During this time I spent a lot of time worrying about our baby. At the time the worry seemed ridiculous, now I guess it seems like "mother's intuition." I was sick and everyone would reassure me that this was a good sign that my body and hormones were doing what they were supposed to.
Just days before my appointment I remember Michael coming home from work and sitting on the edge of the bed to talk to me. I had been in bed all day feeling icky and worried to death. I told him "Michael if something is wrong you have to be the strong one. I can't handle anymore heartache in this area. I want this baby to be ok but I'm terrified it isn't."
On the morning of March 9 I had my doctors appointment. At my doctors office your first appointment isn't much fun. It is a visit with the nurse to confirm you're pregnant, establish previous ob history and a bit of "education." They also scheduled a sonogram for later that afternoon. I was cautiously excited about getting to meet our baby that afternoon. Luckily Michael made it home in time to join me. I remember messaging my friend Melissa and telling her I was nervous. She asked specifically what I was afraid of. I replied "Something being wrong or there being no heartbeat." She promised to pray for me in the hours before and during the sonogram and blood work. As we arvived at the hospital for the test I snapped this picture of Michael and I quickly posting it to fb asking for prayer and good thoughts.
Looking at that picture now seems so strange to me. We were so excited to be meeting our sweet little baby for the first time but I was rattled with fear that something just wasn't right...
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